Today I thought about you…
…about all of you whom I’ve had feuds with over the years, who left without saying a word, who disappeared from my life for no apparent reason, whom I should’ve treated better, whom I shouldn’t have paid any attention to whatsoever, whom I never said what I had to say to. I thought about all the times I wanted to speak my mind, but didn’t, all the times I should’ve acted differently and all the times I shouldn’t have taken any action at all. Today I thought about all the issues I didn’t get closure on.
There are some lucky people in this world who don’t need closure. I am not one of those people. I have an analytical thinking, I need to understand why things happen the way they happen, what causes or leads to a certain situation, why people act the way they act – I need to understand the reasons behind their action. Unfortunately for me and for millions like me, that’s not always possible. Sometimes things just happen and sometimes, no matter how great your understanding of psychology is, you just can’t read people.
I’ve struggled with this for years, because I have this compulsive need to fix things, people, relationships. The thing is, at least with people and relationships, it always takes two to fix it. And I’m not talking only about romantic ties, I’m talking friendships, relationships with parents, teachers, colleagues, even random people. There have been countless situations in my life where, no matter how hard I tried and how many ways I twisted my brain in, I just couldn’t understand how it all went to shit. Each time I moved on with my life, because I had to, but those situations and people were always in the back of my mind, ready to resurface at any time, usually at the least convenient time. And they did resurface over the years, some more often than others, bringing back every feeling associated with them – sadness, anger, shame, frustration, confusion, you know… THOSE types of feelings. Each time I tried yet again to understand and each time, yet again, I failed.
And it’s not just about relationships. It’s not just about the fact that I don’t like ending things on bad terms. It’s about everything. I can’t stand injustice. I can’t stand people forming opinions and making up their minds about other people or about certain issues based on twisted, misunderstood facts. I can’t stand discussions fueled by nothing but a gruesome lack of information. I can’t stand entitlement. I can’t stand not being able to set people straight.
All that’s stated above got me more and more tired over the years and when I finally hit exhaustion, I started seeing and understanding something else.
Life is messy. People are messy (myself included) and they cannot offer closure. Why? Because closure cannot be found in talking things out, in telling someone off, in other people’s actions, reasons or explanations. Closure is found in acceptance – acceptance that a lot of things in life are not up to you or in your control. Things will fall apart, they’ll turn to shit, life will suck and there won’t be anything to do about it. People will be mean, shitty, inconsiderate, entitled, ignorant and you’ll never know why. People will leave and you’ll never be given a reason for it. People will stop wanting to be part of your life and you won’t understand why.
It’s important to find closure within yourself, because nobody has the same heart or mind as you. You will fail to understand people and sometimes you’ll even fail to understand life. What’s important is how you approach everything. Your actions are the ones that truly matter. Because as long as you’re happy with them, you’ll find it easier to let go of what other people do or say.